Restaurant Critique Enthusiast Pillows

"Oh I'm sorry... This severed head has a man-bun, and I'm gluten intolerant."

"More wine?"

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

Your lobster was off!

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"How fresh is the calamari?"

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"Everything taste so divinely artisanal."

'It's my favorite.'

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

Grand Escargot at a Parisian Eatery.

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

"Have you decided on what you'd like to have?"

Advanced footsie

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

"I can't even remember what we were fighting about."

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Your meal sounded nice."