Succulent Sage Gifts

Saguaro Cacti.

'Unbelievable: My cowboy expects me to drop everything and come running when he whistles...'

Plant Lady

'Anything you can compute I can compute better. I can compute anything better than you.'

Academics At The Beach: The Old Man And The Sea

What's In Her Bag? Coachella Edition!

Jack Finds The Giant Grilling At His Giant Grill

Lots of personal improvement classes are going on down there. The white blood cells are teaching a self-defense class. The neuron is instructing others about improving communication skills. And a proton and cornea cell have teamed up to teach a class on staying focused and positive! Is the helium atom participating in any of this? No, he thinks he's above it all!

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

Fumes from furniture

'Leader shy and angler wise I can put up with - it's the darn insolence that bothers me.'

"Ralph - you'd play better golf if you had your eyes checked."

'Leeks can disappoint you and garlic will break your heart, but only onions make you cry.'

'Fred's opinion of crab grass is if you can't beat it, join it.'

The chip - Loyal worker, tireless teacher, friend

"I like the metric system. My weight in kilograms is less than my weight in pounds."

'Stop gritting your teeth!'

"...At what point do hemorrhoids become 'just another hobby?'"

'Maybe I'm not a failure — maybe I'm just a late bloomer!'

'About that blood pressure...stop taking things with a grain of salt.'

'Was this eye of newt locally sourced?'

"Relax, at your age it's perfectly natural to make groaning noises every time you move a body part."

'I'm not up here seeking wisdom - this is the only place they'll let me smoke.'

"The real money is in franchising."

'No, sorry, money is the root of all evil!'

'Hey, I just noticed something. So you know what you get if you cover the 'c' in potato chips? Potato hips, isn't that funny?'

I imagine at your age, you attend a lot of funerals, Sadie. Oh, yes, they're quite lovely. As a child, I attended birthday parties. As a lass, I attended sweet sixteens. As a young adult, I attended weddings. As a mature woman, I attended retirement parties. Now, in the twilight of life, I attend funerals. "Deathday" parties, if you will. And it's beautiful. Because it's all come full circle? Because for once, I don't have to buy the %$&*@ a gift.

"Some cactuses get all the arms."

'Your Dell went to hell.'

Weight and Fortune.

'I buy my cigars at Ikea!'

Country & High Brow.

The Sequels

'Stop! Listen to me! Size matters!!'