Succulent Sage Pillows

Saguaro Cacti.

'Unbelievable: My cowboy expects me to drop everything and come running when he whistles...'

Plant Lady

'Anything you can compute I can compute better. I can compute anything better than you.'

Jack Finds The Giant Grilling At His Giant Grill

Academics At The Beach: The Old Man And The Sea

What's In Her Bag? Coachella Edition!

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

Fumes from furniture

'Leader shy and angler wise I can put up with - it's the darn insolence that bothers me.'

"Ralph - you'd play better golf if you had your eyes checked."

'Leeks can disappoint you and garlic will break your heart, but only onions make you cry.'

'Fred's opinion of crab grass is if you can't beat it, join it.'

'Stop gritting your teeth!'

The chip - Loyal worker, tireless teacher, friend

"I like the metric system. My weight in kilograms is less than my weight in pounds."

"...At what point do hemorrhoids become 'just another hobby?'"

'Maybe I'm not a failure — maybe I'm just a late bloomer!'

'Was this eye of newt locally sourced?'

'About that blood pressure...stop taking things with a grain of salt.'

"Relax, at your age it's perfectly natural to make groaning noises every time you move a body part."

'I'm not up here seeking wisdom - this is the only place they'll let me smoke.'

"The real money is in franchising."

Weight and Fortune.

'Hey, I just noticed something. So you know what you get if you cover the 'c' in potato chips? Potato hips, isn't that funny?'

"Some cactuses get all the arms."

'No, sorry, money is the root of all evil!'

Country & High Brow.

The Sequels

'Stop! Listen to me! Size matters!!'

''Faith can move mountains'? -- That's actually a little disturbing.'