Salty Sage Gifts

'About that blood pressure...stop taking things with a grain of salt.'

'Unbelievable: My cowboy expects me to drop everything and come running when he whistles...'

'Anything you can compute I can compute better. I can compute anything better than you.'

Academics At The Beach: The Old Man And The Sea

What's In Her Bag? Coachella Edition!

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

'Unfortunately, there's no cure. It's called growing older.'

Fumes from furniture

"I told you to order the mild salsa!"

'Leader shy and angler wise I can put up with - it's the darn insolence that bothers me.'

'Leeks can disappoint you and garlic will break your heart, but only onions make you cry.'

Saguaro Cacti.

The chairman's boat springs a leak: 'Just keep bailing and never mind the wisecracks.'

Fish near-death experiences.

The chip - Loyal worker, tireless teacher, friend

"...At what point do hemorrhoids become 'just another hobby?'"

This salad tastes funky� Is this ranch dressing? Oh, I'm sorry, sir� I thought you ordered raunch dressing.

'Maybe I'm not a failure — maybe I'm just a late bloomer!'

"I see you dropping something and then returning to me very soon."

'Was this eye of newt locally sourced?'

"There is some evidence that chocolate can be good for you... But the health benefits tend to fade after the first 20 kilos."

"Relax, at your age it's perfectly natural to make groaning noises every time you move a body part."

'I'm not up here seeking wisdom - this is the only place they'll let me smoke.'

"I can see by the sudden appearance of little dishes of hard candy in every room, Veronica, that we have finally entered our golden years."

"It needs more old salt."

'Your Dell went to hell.'

I imagine at your age, you attend a lot of funerals, Sadie. Oh, yes, they're quite lovely. As a child, I attended birthday parties. As a lass, I attended sweet sixteens. As a young adult, I attended weddings. As a mature woman, I attended retirement parties. Now, in the twilight of life, I attend funerals. "Deathday" parties, if you will. And it's beautiful. Because it's all come full circle? Because for once, I don't have to buy the %$&*@ a gift.

'No, sorry, money is the root of all evil!'

'Hey, I just noticed something. So you know what you get if you cover the 'c' in potato chips? Potato hips, isn't that funny?'

'I just love the change of seasons.'

"You tell him it needs more salt, I'm not telling him!"

'Cooking, it's rocket science...'

'I buy my cigars at Ikea!'

'Which side of this cake is the left side?'

"I think you've crossed the line, Alphonse, from seasoning to herbal medicine."