Snowy Sage Gifts

'Now you have that invisible fence you've been wanting.'

'Unbelievable: My cowboy expects me to drop everything and come running when he whistles...'

'Anything you can compute I can compute better. I can compute anything better than you.'

Jack Finds The Giant Grilling At His Giant Grill

What's In Her Bag? Coachella Edition!

'The hair specialist is down the hall.'

A daily rubdown with a beard brush will wrangle awkward bristles and train them downwards...

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

"From the wind, the chill and the snow, a god is born."

Fumes from furniture

Saguaro Cacti.

"Ralph - you'd play better golf if you had your eyes checked."

'Fred's opinion of crab grass is if you can't beat it, join it.'

The chairman's boat springs a leak: 'Just keep bailing and never mind the wisecracks.'

'Stop gritting your teeth!'

The chip - Loyal worker, tireless teacher, friend

Soon The Moon Will Have Cellphone Reception Better Than That One Part Of Your Commute

"I like the metric system. My weight in kilograms is less than my weight in pounds."

Another Truism Bites the Dust.

During a snowfall, it's always best to slow down a bit.

"...At what point do hemorrhoids become 'just another hobby?'"

'About that blood pressure...stop taking things with a grain of salt.'

'Maybe I'm not a failure — maybe I'm just a late bloomer!'

"It needs more old salt."

'Wisdom is the comb that life gives you after you lose your hair!'

"It's not real meditation when you SMIRK like that!"

"Relax, at your age it's perfectly natural to make groaning noises every time you move a body part."

"The real money is in franchising."

Fortune Teller using a satellite to help pick up clairvoyant signals.

Weight and Fortune.

'Your Dell went to hell.'

I imagine at your age, you attend a lot of funerals, Sadie. Oh, yes, they're quite lovely. As a child, I attended birthday parties. As a lass, I attended sweet sixteens. As a young adult, I attended weddings. As a mature woman, I attended retirement parties. Now, in the twilight of life, I attend funerals. "Deathday" parties, if you will. And it's beautiful. Because it's all come full circle? Because for once, I don't have to buy the %$&*@ a gift.

Ski Lift

Country & High Brow.

'Stop! Listen to me! Size matters!!'