Suburban Sage Gifts

'Fred's opinion of crab grass is if you can't beat it, join it.'

Jack Finds The Giant Grilling At His Giant Grill

'Unbelievable: My cowboy expects me to drop everything and come running when he whistles...'

'Anything you can compute I can compute better. I can compute anything better than you.'

What do you mean you prefer the sound of the sign of the right?! What part of 'either way we're dead' do you not understand?

"For the last time, I’m not Bigfoot — I’m Larry from Vermont!"

Academics At The Beach: The Old Man And The Sea

"William Blake said you can see the whole world in a grain of sand, but he doesn't always make a lot of sense."

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

'We want more police on our streets!' 'WHAT?! Do you have any idea how dangerous it is out there?'

'Look, I want you back, but I'm not going to beg.'

"Ralph - you'd play better golf if you had your eyes checked."

Saguaro Cacti.

The chip - Loyal worker, tireless teacher, friend

"Of course, you try to raise your kids so they won't need lawyers."

Soon The Moon Will Have Cellphone Reception Better Than That One Part Of Your Commute

'And in further economic news, the silver lining in the latest economic crisies has been downgraded to bronze.'

'Found it ... Good heavens! It's the size of a soccer ball!..'

'That's not whitewash....that's detergent!'

Examine stored vegetables and throw out those which show signs of rotting.

What can I get you? Something light but filling. Flavorful but not too spicy. Healthy but not boring. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Something right in the middle. Neither here nor there. It must walk the line of non-offensive yet opinionated. I wonder if Arby's is taking applications. If I eat a sandwich in the woods and no one is around, do I make a sound?

A panhandler with a sign that reads "Sadder but no wiser".

Street Smarts.

'It was Bob's last wish to spread his ashes on the spot where he spent most of his athletic career.'

The Senior Citizen Surfer

Jesus Saves

"The real money is in franchising."

"If you don't want to know the score..."

"I don't think you'll still be that 'Zen' when I tell you someone's nicked your cheese and pickle sandwich from the fridge."

The Deli Lama - Sandwich shop.

"I see that the dow is up today."

'Your Dell went to hell.'

Fortune Teller using a satellite to help pick up clairvoyant signals.

"Great waves to day, dude!"

" guess we can relax. They say they're Zulu Surfer Dudes."