Religious Minister Gifts

Jumpin' Jehoshaphat's Witness. (Published previously on March 18, 2008.)

"I propose the three of us close our eyes and observe a moment of silence. During that time, we will allow your god to speak for himself... I predict his voice will sound like a door slam."

"You're losing the audience. Switch to the Powerpoint presentation."

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'The BOSS sent me down to help rebuild your faith.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

Boneheads! I never said I was bringing ten condiments!

"The water changes them back into babies. I think they call it the Fountain of Youth."

"Your son is asking a lot of questions about the giant hands in the sky that controls everything."

God Sneezes Out Creation

"O.K., O.K., people - we're not workshopping these, they're already set in stone."

Two priests share a laugh outside a confessional booth

Night-time halo

Golfing Bishop.

"Actually, I'm really looking for blessings that aren't in disguise"

At the 2021 Religious Games

"All we have left is standing room only."

'Of course homosexuality is not a sin, handsome.'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

The Current Separation of Church and State Explained.

"In the same of the phone, the tablet, and the desktop computer."

Revival Meeting - Simultaneous translation of all talking in tongues.

Benedict & Associates: Communication Strategies, Lobbying. . .

Priest

"We've been wandering in the desert for forty years. But he's a man—would he ever ask directions?"

Cleric with bible briefcase.

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

A child interrupting family prayers

"You're kidding! You count S.A.T.s?"

"Then it's agreed. Judgment Day, whenever it comes, will fall on a Thursday, so that they'll get the long weekend."

Ten Commandments

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

'Sometimes I wish we'd never told him he was adopted.'

'The Brothers of the Order of Saint Orson, patron saint of fried foods'

St. Elmo's fired.