Religious Adviser Gifts

'The Good Book makes mention of losers like yourself.'

"You're losing the audience. Switch to the Powerpoint presentation."

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'The BOSS sent me down to help rebuild your faith.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

Boneheads! I never said I was bringing ten condiments!

"The water changes them back into babies. I think they call it the Fountain of Youth."

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"Your son is asking a lot of questions about the giant hands in the sky that controls everything."

God Sneezes Out Creation

Two priests share a laugh outside a confessional booth

"O.K., O.K., people - we're not workshopping these, they're already set in stone."

Golfing Bishop.

'Just a word of advice ... He's a Saints' fan.'

"It's a long way to Enlightenment. You might need some cash."

At the 2021 Religious Games

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

"All we have left is standing room only."

The Current Separation of Church and State Explained.

"We've been wandering in the desert for forty years. But he's a man—would he ever ask directions?"

Cleric with bible briefcase.

Priest

"This Adam and Eve thing -- Is there a warranty?"

'Are we there yet? Huh? Have we achieved Nirvana yet? Huh, have we?'

Benedict & Associates: Communication Strategies, Lobbying. . .

"In the same of the phone, the tablet, and the desktop computer."

"You're kidding! You count S.A.T.s?"

"Then it's agreed. Judgment Day, whenever it comes, will fall on a Thursday, so that they'll get the long weekend."

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

Ten Commandments

'God's forgiveness of sins ... is that like a spiritual bailout program?'

'The Brothers of the Order of Saint Orson, patron saint of fried foods'

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

'Sometimes I wish we'd never told him he was adopted.'

"'Procreate'! I've climbed all this way to hear that the meaning of life is 'procreate'?!"