Spiritual Adviser Gifts

'The secret to prosperity is turn your thinking cap around.'

'How do you think I ended up alone on the top of a mountain?'

'Let me remind you that any advice you receive is protected by copyright and I retain all rights therein.'

'The first step toward wisdom is accepting that no one knows exactly when to 'buy low' and 'sell high'.'

"Behold the secret to happiness."

'Yes, I know you don't spend much time in your body, but you still need to take better care of it.'

'This just isn't working - the mountains constantly remind me of the peaks and valleys of a business chart!'

'Just when you think you've reached the final awareness, they send another update.'

'That's it? Listen to my mom?'

"Can you tell me the meaning of life in 140 characters or less, so I can tweet my friends?"

Working from Om

"If blaming global warming doesn't work, blame it on autocorrect."

Meaning of Life/Afterlife/Battery Life

'Stocks are yin, bonds are yang. But I could be totally wrong. Maybe bonds are yin, stocks are yang.'

"As for the meaning of life, it doesn't have to suck."

"Be mindful of the pennies and the pounds will be mindful of themselves."

'I can explain the mysteries of the universe but no one can explain why teachers don't get paid enough!'

'I don't offer any free advice anymore. I am offering a self-help seminar and a motivational coaching program online.'

'If your guru business is slow, do what I did. Get a professional website presence on the Internet. That's how you found me, right?'

'Don't look upon me as a priest, look upon me as your personal 'After Life Coach.''

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

'I don't understand the meaning of the whole Universe yet - I'm only 23.'

'Are you sure about this? - The Meaning of Life isn't PRETTY, you know.'

'What do you mean, you hear a burglar downstairs?'

'Want to make it two out of three?'

"No, I can't just fire you up one of those stone oven pizzas."

"Medicate!"

'For enlightenment, you'll have to see the Guru up there - I'm just the INTERN.'

"I have no idea what it all means, but we can go online to see what it all costs."

'The meaning of life was sex, drugs, and rock & roll, but now I'm thinking hedge funds.'

'How to program a VCR? Dude, I've got to get dad out of retirement for that one!'

"I'll have a pastrami on rye!"

Guru in a maze.

'I won't discuss the secret sauce...'

The Guru is away to negotiate movie rights for his best-selling book, 'Money Won't Make You Happy'."