Religious Counselor Gifts

"For your penance say five 'our fathers' and five 'hail Marys'. Thank you for sharing that with me."

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"Seminary didn't prepare me for this."

'Progress of a bookshelf'

"And do you, Deborah Tannen, think they know what they're talking about?"

"Sure, it's more efficient. But I still miss shooting the arrows."

"You've changed."

Relationship Warning Lights

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

"No, I really DO love you. It's just that my committee has some issues."

"I need him to stop think and start listening."

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"It's a long way to Enlightenment. You might need some cash."

"Will you listen to the same three anecdotes until one of you dies?"

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

"When I ask questions, I expect answers!"

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"What I’ve learned is you have to look deep inside your heart and ask yourself, ‘What is it that she really wants to hear?’"

"We hope seeing a marriage counselor maybe could make one of us less stubborn!"

'Are we there yet? Huh? Have we achieved Nirvana yet? Huh, have we?'

"How do I love thee….? Let me count the ways…" "I'm going to want a recount."

St. Elmo's fired.

"I don’t know how many ways I can explain it. One morning you’ll just wake up and know that you’re in love."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

'I'll be back in three or four months - Hold that thought.'

'Want to make it two out of three?'

What Guys Say and What They Mean,

'...till death, or a really huge argument over ringtones, do you part.'

"Like you, I was lost...then I found Jesus!"

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.

"Ultimately, we realized we share too many app subscriptions not to make it work."

'And the life of man, solitary, poore, nasty, brutish, and short.' -- Thomas Hobbes, 'I dated a guy like that once.'

"It will be all your fault."