Religious Teacher Gifts

"Thou Shalt not Covid thy Neighbor's Wife!"

'Verily I say unto you, the first shall be last and the last shall be first, while those in the middle will stay roughly the same.'

'Well, people - I'm afraid He's raised the bar.'

'Yikes! -- Well, I guess you can't please everybody.'

"Wow, Jesus. That lesson rocked, someone should write this stuff down."

'I keep mine on my IPod.'

'No offense, but some of these sound a little PREACHY.'

Moses/stranded shark

Nun Binning the Devil

'Not bad, Moses, but the Red sea is blue, not red.'

'Don't read the Book of Revelations yet -- it's full of spoilers.'

'You think you're pretty humble, don't you?'

'God sees everything? You mean He channel surfs?'

Noah's ark, many lions

"Not only are we new here, I understand the whole place didn't exist a few days ago."

"Perhaps if you guys just swam along behind us for a while."

Bible Bloopers

Next 40 Years

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

'Teaching us Creationism is one thing, but making us build an ark in Design & Technology is a bit much.'

Moses' first encounter with the burning bush didn't go well.

'I'm not sure about the new guy.'

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

MAKE ME PROUD OF YOU!, 'We may want to include more specific instructions.'

'I just received a text message.'

Jesus casts the demons into the swine creating the first deviled ham

'When we get to the promised land I never want to even see a piece of manna again for as long as I live.'

"They never would have got away with that in the Old Testament."

'You realize, these are going to lead to a lot of hypocrisy.'

"Just because you don't understand God does not mean God does not exist. A computer can exist even if you don't understand how it works."

Prison chaplain asking a prisoner what the eighth commandment is

Yes, the meek shall inherit the earth, but I didn't say you should start calling dibs on things.

"Swami Ananda, here, has also discovered the secret of life!"

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"Yes. I said 2 by 2, but you needed to use 2 by 4s for the Ark...begin again."