Rank-and-file Punster Gifts

'What is higher than an admiral?'

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

"Igor, you fool! I said 'healthy brain'!"

'We had an Old Testament skit today. Al Sims was the Hittite, and I was the hittee.'

Garden of Eden and scrumping

'Gluten-free manna will come in the second salvo.'

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

"No, I'm not a hare, I just happen to have big ears..."

"I do lover a good prawn film!"

'Hopefully this will not have a negative impact on my dinner.'

"I take it you'l like to open joint accounts. . ."

Hamlet.

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

'My mom says an apple a day keeps the physician's assistant away.'

His Other Shtick

Professional Cell Phone Accessories

'I'm the veterinarian of Cheshire who spays and neuters Cheshire pets.'

'My broker swears it's a great investment but I fear it's just another pyramid scheme.'

'Hey, Lady, this is a sixty zone!'

'I'm only doing pro-bono cases until I can find some well-paying anti-bono cases.'

Surfin' the web.

Timmy Gets Solitary.

'I have a rasp in my throat.'

"They weren't very friendly when they proscuted me for obtaining loans under false names."

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

Wash and Let My People Go

Flower: 'I wouldn't go in there if i were you Pal. The place is full of Skinheads.'

'I can't make ends meet, let alone justify the means.'

'I hope you get an ice cream headache!'