Purr-fect Punster Gifts

'Dad, Grandma had a funeral, right? Will the cat have a FURneral, then?'

catholic

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

I think you're ace

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

''The consent of the governed'? -- that could be a deal-breaker.'

"Igor, you fool! I said 'healthy brain'!"

Garden of Eden and scrumping

"I didn't say I started jogging, I said blogging."

"No, I'm not a hare, I just happen to have big ears..."

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

'Gluten-free manna will come in the second salvo.'

'Hopefully this will not have a negative impact on my dinner.'

"I take it you'l like to open joint accounts. . ."

'Well, you were convicted on three out of ten counts - at least we beat the point spread.'

'My mom says an apple a day keeps the physician's assistant away.'

'My broker swears it's a great investment but I fear it's just another pyramid scheme.'

The less celebrated, but still spectacular, combover eagle.

'I'm the veterinarian of Cheshire who spays and neuters Cheshire pets.'

His Other Shtick

Professional Cell Phone Accessories

'Hey, Lady, this is a sixty zone!'

'I think he'll be okay. He had a mild brush stroke.'

Surfin' the web.

'I'm only doing pro-bono cases until I can find some well-paying anti-bono cases.'

Mobile Holmes.

"O.K., now can you make like a million little tiny ones?"

'I have a rasp in my throat.'

Timmy Gets Solitary.

"They weren't very friendly when they proscuted me for obtaining loans under false names."

Wash and Let My People Go

'I hope you get an ice cream headache!'

Granny's Old Tyme Prostitute Chocolate Chip Cookies