Puckish Punster Gifts

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

Dogs life

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

"Igor, you fool! I said 'healthy brain'!"

"Let's not try to make this symbolic. Of anything."

"We'll just have the loaves and fishes. . ."

"No, I'm not a hare, I just happen to have big ears..."

A-Hem! I'm still singing here!

'Gluten-free manna will come in the second salvo.'

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

'Hopefully this will not have a negative impact on my dinner.'

'This is what I mean about inadequate interagency cooperation.'

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

'My mom says an apple a day keeps the physician's assistant away.'

"It's obvious Jesus accepts everyone. His disciples were fishermen, and we know what kind of lies we tell."

"Hmmmm. I'll bluff. Then they'll counter-bluff, so if I counter-counter-bluff...password should do it."

"Behold the geometry of pizza: square, circle and triangle."

His Other Shtick

"Our flag means debt."

'Hey, Lady, this is a sixty zone!'

"Ah, but that wasn't a campaign promise - It was a NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION!"

'Shakin' bacon.'

'I'm the veterinarian of Cheshire who spays and neuters Cheshire pets.'

Professional Cell Phone Accessories

'I think he'll be okay. He had a mild brush stroke.'

Mobile Holmes.

Surfin' the web.

Timmy Gets Solitary.

'I have a rasp in my throat.'

Baby Grand Larceny

'I'm not the first visionary who's been accused of extreme optimism.'

"Your lives will continue to stink until you find your center."

'I hope you get an ice cream headache!'