Pugilistic Punster Gifts

'Relax...I heard our opponents today are huge pussies.'

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

'Tony, you always try to lead.'

The First Draft. . . Moby Duck.

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

Another Turning Point in History. Oh, the heck with it -- I'll never get these antlers right. Mickey Moose.

K9 Literati

Dogs life

'Out, damned Spot.'

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

"Igor, you fool! I said 'healthy brain'!"

"Let's not try to make this symbolic. Of anything."

'We had an Old Testament skit today. Al Sims was the Hittite, and I was the hittee.'

"We'll just have the loaves and fishes. . ."

Garden of Eden and scrumping

2B or not 2B

Bookworm in book, sign reads: 'Tome, Sweet Tome.'

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

"No, I'm not a hare, I just happen to have big ears..."

"I do lover a good prawn film!"

'Gluten-free manna will come in the second salvo.'

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

Alternative Dickens: Oliver, having received more, requests a doggy bag.

"I take it you'l like to open joint accounts. . ."

'This is what I mean about inadequate interagency cooperation.'

Hamlet.

Lit. Exam. I carefully read "Ulysses," "Dubliners" and "Finnegans Wake," but I was kicked out by the teacher for calling the exam a "multiple-Joyce" test.

'My mom says an apple a day keeps the physician's assistant away.'

"It's obvious Jesus accepts everyone. His disciples were fishermen, and we know what kind of lies we tell."

"Ah, but that wasn't a campaign promise - It was a NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION!"

"Our flag means debt."

'Hey, Lady, this is a sixty zone!'

Professional Cell Phone Accessories

'My broker swears it's a great investment but I fear it's just another pyramid scheme.'

"Behold the geometry of pizza: square, circle and triangle."