Ironic Punster Gifts

"They weren't very friendly when they proscuted me for obtaining loans under false names."

"I take it you'l like to open joint accounts. . ."

"My dad says we eat honey 'cause it has lots of vitamin Bee."

The First Draft. . . Moby Duck.

'Jurassic Pork.'

E-vac-u-ate! E-vac-u-ate! . . . I've just farted. . ."

'Will I live Doctor?' 'Yes, but I don't advise it!'

Another Turning Point in History. Oh, the heck with it -- I'll never get these antlers right. Mickey Moose.

K9 Literati

'Out, damned Spot.'

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

"Igor, you fool! I said 'healthy brain'!"

'We had an Old Testament skit today. Al Sims was the Hittite, and I was the hittee.'

"We'll just have the loaves and fishes. . ."

Garden of Eden and scrumping

"Why do parishioners only eat half their donuts???" "Partial indulgence."

2B or not 2B

Bookworm in book, sign reads: 'Tome, Sweet Tome.'

'On Wall Street, both stocks and bonds dropped on news that adversity is good for the soul.'

Bitter End

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

"No, I'm not a hare, I just happen to have big ears..."

"I want to be upfront. At this point, I'm only looking for a casual hookup of Frankenstein."

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

'Gluten-free manna will come in the second salvo.'

Alternative Dickens: Oliver, having received more, requests a doggy bag.

Lit. Exam. I carefully read "Ulysses," "Dubliners" and "Finnegans Wake," but I was kicked out by the teacher for calling the exam a "multiple-Joyce" test.

Hamlet.

Since you conduct only thought-experiments, we were hoping you would, from time to time, come up with some thought-results.

'My mom says an apple a day keeps the physician's assistant away.'

"It's obvious Jesus accepts everyone. His disciples were fishermen, and we know what kind of lies we tell."

"My eyes feel heavy. Does that mean I'm taking in too much eye candy?"

Professional Cell Phone Accessories

Optometrist practical jokes

'Hey, Lady, this is a sixty zone!'