Puckish Punster Pillows

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

Dogs life

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

"Let's not try to make this symbolic. Of anything."

"Igor, you fool! I said 'healthy brain'!"

"We'll just have the loaves and fishes. . ."

"No, I'm not a hare, I just happen to have big ears..."

'Gluten-free manna will come in the second salvo.'

A-Hem! I'm still singing here!

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

'Hopefully this will not have a negative impact on my dinner.'

'This is what I mean about inadequate interagency cooperation.'

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

'My mom says an apple a day keeps the physician's assistant away.'

"It's obvious Jesus accepts everyone. His disciples were fishermen, and we know what kind of lies we tell."

"Hmmmm. I'll bluff. Then they'll counter-bluff, so if I counter-counter-bluff...password should do it."

Professional Cell Phone Accessories

'Hey, Lady, this is a sixty zone!'

"Behold the geometry of pizza: square, circle and triangle."

'Shakin' bacon.'

His Other Shtick

'I'm the veterinarian of Cheshire who spays and neuters Cheshire pets.'

"Ah, but that wasn't a campaign promise - It was a NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION!"

"Our flag means debt."

'I think he'll be okay. He had a mild brush stroke.'

Surfin' the web.

Timmy Gets Solitary.

'I have a rasp in my throat.'

Baby Grand Larceny

'I'm not the first visionary who's been accused of extreme optimism.'

'I hope you get an ice cream headache!'

'I can't make ends meet, let alone justify the means.'