Purr-fect Punster Pillows

'Dad, Grandma had a funeral, right? Will the cat have a FURneral, then?'

catholic

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

I think you're ace

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

''The consent of the governed'? -- that could be a deal-breaker.'

"Igor, you fool! I said 'healthy brain'!"

Garden of Eden and scrumping

"I didn't say I started jogging, I said blogging."

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

'Gluten-free manna will come in the second salvo.'

"No, I'm not a hare, I just happen to have big ears..."

'Hopefully this will not have a negative impact on my dinner.'

'Well, you were convicted on three out of ten counts - at least we beat the point spread.'

"I take it you'l like to open joint accounts. . ."

'My mom says an apple a day keeps the physician's assistant away.'

Professional Cell Phone Accessories

'I'm the veterinarian of Cheshire who spays and neuters Cheshire pets.'

'My broker swears it's a great investment but I fear it's just another pyramid scheme.'

The less celebrated, but still spectacular, combover eagle.

His Other Shtick

'Hey, Lady, this is a sixty zone!'

'I think he'll be okay. He had a mild brush stroke.'

Surfin' the web.

'I'm only doing pro-bono cases until I can find some well-paying anti-bono cases.'

"O.K., now can you make like a million little tiny ones?"

'I have a rasp in my throat.'

Timmy Gets Solitary.

Wash and Let My People Go

"They weren't very friendly when they proscuted me for obtaining loans under false names."

"It's ok - you're not the first man to lose his head over a pretty girl. . ."

'I hope you get an ice cream headache!'

fried eggs...