Pro-bono Punster Gifts

'I'm only doing pro-bono cases until I can find some well-paying anti-bono cases.'

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

Another Turning Point in History. Oh, the heck with it -- I'll never get these antlers right. Mickey Moose.

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

"Igor, you fool! I said 'healthy brain'!"

'We had an Old Testament skit today. Al Sims was the Hittite, and I was the hittee.'

Garden of Eden and scrumping

"I didn't say I started jogging, I said blogging."

'Gluten-free manna will come in the second salvo.'

"It's one of the positive side effects of the new weight-loss drugs."

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

"No, I'm not a hare, I just happen to have big ears..."

'Hopefully this will not have a negative impact on my dinner.'

'... Yeah. That just means we aren't much good.'

Hamlet.

"I take it you'l like to open joint accounts. . ."

'My mom says an apple a day keeps the physician's assistant away.'

'My broker swears it's a great investment but I fear it's just another pyramid scheme.'

Professional Cell Phone Accessories

'I'm the veterinarian of Cheshire who spays and neuters Cheshire pets.'

'Hey, Lady, this is a sixty zone!'

'I think he'll be okay. He had a mild brush stroke.'

Surfin' the web.

Mobile Holmes.

'I have a rasp in my throat.'

Where's Slinky going? To Florida, for spring training.

Timmy Gets Solitary.

"Your lives will continue to stink until you find your center."

"They weren't very friendly when they proscuted me for obtaining loans under false names."

Wash and Let My People Go

'I can't make ends meet, let alone justify the means.'

Granny's Old Tyme Prostitute Chocolate Chip Cookies

'I hope you get an ice cream headache!'