Polite Punster Gifts

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"My dad says we eat honey 'cause it has lots of vitamin Bee."

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

Dogs life

Another Turning Point in History. Oh, the heck with it -- I'll never get these antlers right. Mickey Moose.

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

''The consent of the governed'? -- that could be a deal-breaker.'

"Igor, you fool! I said 'healthy brain'!"

"Let's not try to make this symbolic. Of anything."

'We had an Old Testament skit today. Al Sims was the Hittite, and I was the hittee.'

"We'll just have the loaves and fishes. . ."

'On Wall Street, both stocks and bonds dropped on news that adversity is good for the soul.'

Pig philosophy class - 'I'm pink, therefore I'm ham'

"I didn't say I started jogging, I said blogging."

'Gluten-free manna will come in the second salvo.'

"No, I'm not a hare, I just happen to have big ears..."

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

Bitter End

"He, Igor? Who are we to play God with its gender pronouns?"

'I think therefore I ham.'

'This is what I mean about inadequate interagency cooperation.'

Hamlet.

Since you conduct only thought-experiments, we were hoping you would, from time to time, come up with some thought-results.

'My mom says an apple a day keeps the physician's assistant away.'

"It's obvious Jesus accepts everyone. His disciples were fishermen, and we know what kind of lies we tell."

'I'm the veterinarian of Cheshire who spays and neuters Cheshire pets.'

Professional Cell Phone Accessories

The less celebrated, but still spectacular, combover eagle.

"Behold the geometry of pizza: square, circle and triangle."

'Hey, Lady, this is a sixty zone!'

"Ah, but that wasn't a campaign promise - It was a NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION!"

"Our flag means debt."

Mobile Holmes.

Surfin' the web.