Quirky Relationship Humor Gifts

Gloria called

'I don't worry about Harold putting the cap back on the toothpaste. He never takes it off!'

'My sister married some bum of a copy machine — he only works now and then!'

"Carl, I'm pleased that your experimental serum has finally allowed you to evolve into a giant grasshopper, but I just can't see myself having a relationship with someone whose ear is in their knee."

Life is for the birds.

Hello. I'm Ferdinand. I'll be monitoring the levels of bull at your table this evening. Menu. Menu.

"First date hairball... awkward."

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

STILL LIVES - Bolt: 'It's like we were made for one another!'

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

'Adam, you left the toilet rock up again!'

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

"Open a wine that will make me want to watch the shows you want to watch."

"You don't sniff my butt anymore."

"It's Doris Kearns Goodwin. Is there anything we'd like to know about the Presidency?"

'Admit it, you've been laughing behind my back ever since 1957 when we went in that hall of mirrors in Skegness!'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

One cheese omelette, and I've never cheated on my husband. Um, okay. Anything else? A side of hash browns for this one-man woman! And a chocolate as hot and sweet as my intensely singular love for this phenomenal guy. Chuck? Yes dear? I've been having an affair for the last six months. Oh don't act surprised. One scone, and what the @#$% just happened? The denial and snacks before the storm.

Hello, Susie, it's R

"Well that's the last of our offspring gone - let battle commence."

'Roger, you're just a Rooster and I'm just a Hen. Is all of this necessary?'

'Could you scoot your chair over this way a little dear?'

Still Lives: 'What's wrong, don't you love me anymore?'

'His ego needs lipo suction!'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"Trust me. It's no big deal. I'm even tuning you out right now."

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

'I knew you were mad when I found nettles in my fig leaf drawer.'

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

'No, you don't have hemorrhoids. You have a case of himorrhoids, has your husband been a pain in the butt, lately?'

What do I want out of our relationship? Same thing anyone wants. Good value.