Relationship Humor Gifts

'I love being married to a statistician. I can make him say whatever I want.'

"My boyfriend is insanely jealous. He does nothing all day but watch cartoons and plot revenge on any other men I talk to."

'There you go again, jumping to the wrong conclusions'

'Wow! It works! My personalized configuration is up and running!'

"I came here because my podiatrist said he couldn't help me with my cold fee."

"Yes Dear, Yes Dear, Yes Dear"

"Jean's going through another one of her aggresive phases."

'There, there, dear -- they're all alike.'

'Let's put the past behind us, Lois. And if you don't mind, let's include whatever I do on my upcoming trip to Altoona.'

I get the impression you find our sex life boring.

'No, you don't have hemorrhoids. You have a case of himorrhoids, has your husband been a pain in the butt, lately?'

'I'm leaving you, Scott. You're too clingy.'

As far as women were concerned Don had a special kind of magnetism

'I'm not sure why we're still together. I mean, aside from the rope.'

'A catered affair?! You're going to cheat on me and your diet?!'

'He's a man of many parts-although none of them work in the bedroom.'

'She is critical of every woman I bring home.'

'You ordered me a venti relationship when I told you I only wanted a tall.'

"We haven't drifted apart, just be honest, you've changed!!'

'Ok, I apologize, but I'm still right!'

"My husband! My best friend! My 1200 count Egyptian cotton sheets!"

"Is the light bothering you?"

'Hello Darling, I am on the bed with the window cleaner.'

'What - you don't want to marry me after you became rich and famous? Oh, great! Now I've got to think about a new pension plan!'

'We never go out. We have no social life. We have no income. We have no friends. We're sexually too compatible.'

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

Wife watching Desperate Housewives with desperate husband

'Seperate cheques?'

'I don't think of you as a sex object, Irene -- I think of you as two sex objects!'

A tiny man stuck in a woman's cleavage.

Daughter/psychiatrist

"What do you think of my new dress Ronald?"

'I guess a facial hair removal kit isn't a good anniversary present.'

"Separate checks?"