Relationship Humor Fan Gifts

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'These marks measure how tall the children are growing, the others measure how wide Jeff is getting.'

'Sorry, I'm afraid it was a false alarm. It turns out that 'the emergency gas leak' was my husband.'

'We're not your typical couple. I'm the extrovert, and Bernie's the shy one.'

"That was my husband...apparently he's playing golf with you...."

'I think it's only fair to warn you that I am sometimes subject to mood swings, you INSENSITIVE JERK!!!'

'Change my name to yours? That's silly, whoever heard of a girl named Ralph?'

'My love life is terrible. Every night my wife has a headache and every morning I have a hangover.'

"So, Beatriz, what do your parents think of your boyfriend?"

"I'm not in a breakfast-fixing mood just now."

"Password-sharing?! I only agreed to exchange vows...No one said anything about exchanging passwords!"

"Open a wine that will make me want to watch the shows you want to watch."

'If you must know, I'm looking for a loophole...!'

'I had my husband laminated. I thought it might make him last longer.'

My husband always shooting his mouth off phobia.

"Stay away from her, Mate. She's a real home-wreaker"

"Don't forget to get some rocks while you're out."

'I'm looking for a man just like you - only taller, more handsome and richer.'

"I don't know how many times I've told him about leaving empty toilet rolls in the bathroom."

'Does that mean no sex tonight?'

'No, I'm not adding an eleventh commandment that your wife can't drag you to see those goofy Twilight movies.'

What's thirty to life compared to thge certain knowledge the toilet seat stays down ?

'See, it's right here in the prenup. Just because I rise, it doesn't necessarily mean I have to shine.'

"Do you have to put tomato sauce on everything?"

"Has anyone turned in a temper? He keeps losing his.X"

'I know you're sensitive, Wally, but I only asked you to help wash the dishes!'

'Let's not fight, Ted, it's our first date.'

'Did my note make sense?' - 'Yep.' - 'So you're okay to do that?' - 'Yep, fine.' - 'What note?' - 'Gah!'

'Marriage is a serious matter, Ed. I can't discuss it with you until you go home and change your clothes.'

'Let this be a warning. You talk to my girlfriend again and I'll do more than rearrange your face!'

'There's a simple explanation, dear. Someone stole my identity.'

"It's Doris Kearns Goodwin. Is there anything we'd like to know about the Presidency?"

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

"No, she likes me best!"

"You don't sniff my butt anymore."