Relationship Comedy Gifts

'Can you guess what today is?'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

'I don't like the look of yours...'

I've been trying to cut back on my salt intake. I'd also like to do that, but unfortunately, my main source of salt comes from tears streaming into my mouth.

New wicket keeping gloves ?

'Simon! No! We really were just fooling around!'

'Sorry, dear, but upon advice from my attorney, I decline to give you an opinion on your Creamed Tarragon Flounder.'

'I just want to be sure to get this right. You met again your imaginary childhood friend and then happened WHAT?'

'Oh that's weird! i just had a shiver go down my wallet. My wife must have just bought something.'

"Don't you DARE float your head when I'm speaking to you!"

Listen to me going on about myself! You could probably use a break, am I right?"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

Life is for the birds.

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

"I just love the way you're so endlessly inventive in the bedroom."

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

Hello. I'm Ferdinand. I'll be monitoring the levels of bull at your table this evening. Menu. Menu.

"First date hairball... awkward."

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

"You really ought to cut down on your scream time."

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

'Well, thanks, but we have no need of a Divorce Lawyer: We're Lovebirds you see...'

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

"I said I'd give you the world, didn't I?"

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

"I'm Lester Holt, and this, is date night."

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."