Prison Satire Gifts

"When you're counting as many beans as I was, a few are bound to stick to your plate."

'Let's get a kitty.'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

When staffing agencies screw up.

"One night in a moment of rage. . . I removed a 'Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law' tag from a pillow!"

'I mistakenly thought that 'mutual' meant the funds were equally mine to use.'

'OVERCROWDED-I'll say it's OVERCROWDED!'

"How'd you know I was in for cyber crime?"

'See, I told you it was a good idea to talk to the plants.'

Conrad Black will be unable to do his investment club's tax returns this year.

'I tried to give a woman the Heimlich maneuver, and it turned out she was doing the Macarena.'

"Murder one. How about you?" "I tried to rob an arts and crafts store with a hot glue gun."

Convict Decor

'I'm not here for committing a crime - I'm here for failing to comply with a guideline.'

Prison baseball game features Bankers vs. Wall Street.

Post Office fraud wing in a prison.

'I suppose you'd like your porridge shaken, not stirred?'

"Try and give me... happy."

'They got me for 'hate-texting.''

"Look on the bright side. You no longer live with your parents."

Bullfighter and Bull Cellmates

Martha bakes with her new friends.

'21 Today - he wants the key of the door...'

'I was told to reach for the stars but when I did, I was arrested for stalking.'

"They want to spend the weekend at Daddy's" (Colour)

'Thanks, that looks delicious, charge it to my room, would you?'

"The other gangs can give you protection. We can give you free wi-fi."

'Ms. Daly, have there been any important e-mails or voice-mails during my incarceration?'

'I'm in here for something I didn't do alright-I didn't pay my Council Tax!'

'But I learned a valuable lesson: Before you put out a contract on anyone, be sure to read the fine print.'

'There's a rumour we're all going to be released and forced to join the NFL.'

All I'm saying is, the next time you go for a perp walk, I'd like to be included.

I don

'Some gagwriter you turned out to be!'

"I've sent last minute treatments to all the major studios."