Prison Life Satirist Gifts

'Thanks, that looks delicious, charge it to my room, would you?'

'Why can't you play harmonica like all the other inmates?'

'21 Today - he wants the key of the door...'

"...and I promise you baby I'll never try to escape!"

I'll tell you what I most miss...being able to garrote people...

"The lettuce I paid with was fresher than the lettuce I bought."

"Twenty five years! But your honor,

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

When staffing agencies screw up.

"Certainly you're entitled to justice, if you can show that you deserve it."

"One night in a moment of rage. . . I removed a 'Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law' tag from a pillow!"

"Before we begin today, may I say that both my client and I were astonished that Your Honor was not nominated for the Supreme Court?"

'I mistakenly thought that 'mutual' meant the funds were equally mine to use.'

'OVERCROWDED-I'll say it's OVERCROWDED!'

"How'd you know I was in for cyber crime?"

'See, I told you it was a good idea to talk to the plants.'

'The prisons are full, so I'm sentencing you to have your butt kicked.'

Conrad Black will be unable to do his investment club's tax returns this year.

"'Somewhere in between' is not an acceptable plea."

"Murder one. How about you?" "I tried to rob an arts and crafts store with a hot glue gun."

'I tried to give a woman the Heimlich maneuver, and it turned out she was doing the Macarena.'

Convict Decor

'I'm not here for committing a crime - I'm here for failing to comply with a guideline.'

Prison baseball game features Bankers vs. Wall Street.

Post Office fraud wing in a prison.

"Try and give me... happy."

Martha bakes with her new friends.

'I was told to reach for the stars but when I did, I was arrested for stalking.'

'They got me for 'hate-texting.''

"They want to spend the weekend at Daddy's" (Colour)

'I suppose you'd like your porridge shaken, not stirred?'

"Look on the bright side. You no longer live with your parents."

"The other gangs can give you protection. We can give you free wi-fi."

'I'm in here for something I didn't do alright-I didn't pay my Council Tax!'

"I've sent last minute treatments to all the major studios."