Prison Life Satire Gifts

'Sometimes I think you get caught on purpose!'

'Sorry your back's bothering you. I'd offer you a massage, but it's a little outside my comfort zone.'

"They're suppositories. Well what other type of drugs do you expect me to smuggle in."

"The lettuce I paid with was fresher than the lettuce I bought."

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

When staffing agencies screw up.

"One night in a moment of rage. . . I removed a 'Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law' tag from a pillow!"

Convict Decor

'I'm not here for committing a crime - I'm here for failing to comply with a guideline.'

'21 Today - he wants the key of the door...'

"Try and give me... happy."

'I was told to reach for the stars but when I did, I was arrested for stalking.'

Martha bakes with her new friends.

'Thanks, that looks delicious, charge it to my room, would you?'

'Ms. Daly, have there been any important e-mails or voice-mails during my incarceration?'

'Sorry, but none of our entrees are available for takeout.'

All I'm saying is, the next time you go for a perp walk, I'd like to be included.

"I've sent last minute treatments to all the major studios."

'But I learned a valuable lesson: Before you put out a contract on anyone, be sure to read the fine print.'

"What do you mean, 'you don't serve porridge?!"

'Why can't you play harmonica like all the other inmates?'

'The first time it was a fine. Second time, fine and probation. Third time...'

When Financial Planners Go To Prison.

'This is the first time in five years we've managed to get the whole law firm together.'

Worst escape attempt ever.

I'll tell you what I most miss...being able to garrote people...

'Just think of it as your time share condo.'

Convict Ties

'Somebody tweeted.'

No, I don't want to build a fort.

Dear Edward, here is the cake in the file that you wanted. Love, Sue.

'You've got to get me out of here... my cellmate just gave me flowers and candy.'

"Neato, keeno - bunk beds!"

'I saw him first!'

'...until the doctor put me on this bread and butter diet nothing worked for me.'