Prison Life Humorist Gifts

'I was doing pretty good at first. Then we hit the showers, and my temporary tattoos washed off.'

Playing tic-tac-toe on prisoner's outfit.

What's happened to you, Morty? Ol' Killer. Huh? That's my handle, babe. I run with a gang now. It's the only way to survive in the big house. Oh shush. This is a minimum security holding cell run by the county. Ol' Killer cries during chick flicks! My rep!

'But I learned a valuable lesson: Before you put out a contract on anyone, be sure to read the fine print.'

When staffing agencies screw up.

'I was told to reach for the stars but when I did, I was arrested for stalking.'

Martha bakes with her new friends.

'I haven't worried about the price of gas for 18 years.'

Convict Decor

'I call it 'Cellblock Shiraz'. Don't be intimidated by the bouquet.'

'I've changed my mind about the outdoors being boring.'

"What do you mean, 'you don't serve porridge?!"

"The lettuce I paid with was fresher than the lettuce I bought."

Prisoner Crossing

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"One night in a moment of rage. . . I removed a 'Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law' tag from a pillow!"

'I mistakenly thought that 'mutual' meant the funds were equally mine to use.'

'OVERCROWDED-I'll say it's OVERCROWDED!'

'See, I told you it was a good idea to talk to the plants.'

Conrad Black will be unable to do his investment club's tax returns this year.

"How'd you know I was in for cyber crime?"

'I tried to give a woman the Heimlich maneuver, and it turned out she was doing the Macarena.'

'Well, you're not acting like you have every confidence in me.'

"Murder one. How about you?" "I tried to rob an arts and crafts store with a hot glue gun."

'He didn't wash his hands.'

"They weren't very friendly when they proscuted me for obtaining loans under false names."

Prison baseball game features Bankers vs. Wall Street.

Post Office fraud wing in a prison.

At least you have security!

"They want to spend the weekend at Daddy's" (Colour)

Bullfighter and Bull Cellmates

"Look on the bright side. You no longer live with your parents."

Cartoonist draws bomb next to prisoner.

"I can't continue to be your lawyer if you won't show up at the hearings."

'They got me for 'hate-texting.''