Prison Humorist Gifts

'It's like caller ID. You get to see who's calling before you pick up.'

"The other gangs can give you protection. We can give you free wi-fi."

'I mistakenly thought that 'mutual' meant the funds were equally mine to use.'

"Hey, rat, most of us use our one call to contact a lawyer, not Crime Stoppers."

Post Office fraud wing in a prison.

'OVERCROWDED-I'll say it's OVERCROWDED!'

"I got tired of running."

"It's a little cramped, but the security is second to none!"

Prisoners game

#1 reason to never buy an orange jumpsuit.

'...And they always talk about due process like it was a good thing!'

'Some gagwriter you turned out to be!'

'They got me for 'hate-texting.''

"This is the worst witness-protection program I've ever been in."

"She say's by the tone of my last letter I ought to get out more"

'Wow. It really opens the place up.'

'A pardon It's like a legal technicality designed to take away your three squares a day,'

'I tried to give a woman the Heimlich maneuver, and it turned out she was doing the Macarena.'

'Bad dog.'

'I suppose you'd like your porridge shaken, not stirred?'

"Look on the bright side. You no longer live with your parents."

Summer Arrives At Devil's Island

'Let's get a kitty.'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

Prisoner Crossing

When staffing agencies screw up.

"How'd you know I was in for cyber crime?"

'See, I told you it was a good idea to talk to the plants.'

Conrad Black will be unable to do his investment club's tax returns this year.

"Murder one. How about you?" "I tried to rob an arts and crafts store with a hot glue gun."

'Well, you're not acting like you have every confidence in me.'

Convict Decor

'He didn't wash his hands.'

Prison baseball game features Bankers vs. Wall Street.

"They weren't very friendly when they proscuted me for obtaining loans under false names."