Prison Humor Gifts

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

HM Prison Vet

'I saw him first!'

'Just think of it as your time share condo.'

"Stealing office supplies, eh? I'm in for murder one!"

"The lettuce I paid with was fresher than the lettuce I bought."

'Let's get a kitty.'

When staffing agencies screw up.

"One night in a moment of rage. . . I removed a 'Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law' tag from a pillow!"

'No need to come in.. you can fax me your resume.'

'OVERCROWDED-I'll say it's OVERCROWDED!'

'I mistakenly thought that 'mutual' meant the funds were equally mine to use.'

"How'd you know I was in for cyber crime?"

Conrad Black will be unable to do his investment club's tax returns this year.

'See, I told you it was a good idea to talk to the plants.'

Convict Decor

'I tried to give a woman the Heimlich maneuver, and it turned out she was doing the Macarena.'

"Murder one. How about you?" "I tried to rob an arts and crafts store with a hot glue gun."

'He didn't wash his hands.'

Post Office fraud wing in a prison.

Prison baseball game features Bankers vs. Wall Street.

'I was told to reach for the stars but when I did, I was arrested for stalking.'

'She kept asking me to say what was on my mind so I did. She told her analyst and then the FBI.'

"Look on the bright side. You no longer live with your parents."

'I suppose you'd like your porridge shaken, not stirred?'

Martha bakes with her new friends.

"They want to spend the weekend at Daddy's" (Colour)

'They got me for 'hate-texting.''

'The SEC got me for inflating the numbers..'

"The other gangs can give you protection. We can give you free wi-fi."

'Ms. Daly, have there been any important e-mails or voice-mails during my incarceration?'

'I'm in here for something I didn't do alright-I didn't pay my Council Tax!'

'Hey. You're back.'

'But I learned a valuable lesson: Before you put out a contract on anyone, be sure to read the fine print.'

"Any word on my appeal?"