Prison-themed Humor Gifts

'Ms. Daly, have there been any important e-mails or voice-mails during my incarceration?'

"The lettuce I paid with was fresher than the lettuce I bought."

'Let's get a kitty.'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

'No need to come in.. you can fax me your resume.'

"One night in a moment of rage. . . I removed a 'Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law' tag from a pillow!"

'OVERCROWDED-I'll say it's OVERCROWDED!'

'I mistakenly thought that 'mutual' meant the funds were equally mine to use.'

"How'd you know I was in for cyber crime?"

'See, I told you it was a good idea to talk to the plants.'

"This is why I don't want you doing our taxes anymore."

Conrad Black will be unable to do his investment club's tax returns this year.

'I tried to give a woman the Heimlich maneuver, and it turned out she was doing the Macarena.'

"Murder one. How about you?" "I tried to rob an arts and crafts store with a hot glue gun."

'He didn't wash his hands.'

Post Office fraud wing in a prison.

Prison baseball game features Bankers vs. Wall Street.

'I suppose you'd like your porridge shaken, not stirred?'

Bullfighter and Bull Cellmates

"They want to spend the weekend at Daddy's" (Colour)

"Look on the bright side. You no longer live with your parents."

"I can't continue to be your lawyer if you won't show up at the hearings."

'The SEC got me for inflating the numbers..'

'She kept asking me to say what was on my mind so I did. She told her analyst and then the FBI.'

'They got me for 'hate-texting.''

"The other gangs can give you protection. We can give you free wi-fi."

'Hey. You're back.'

'I'm in here for something I didn't do alright-I didn't pay my Council Tax!'

All I'm saying is, the next time you go for a perp walk, I'd like to be included.

'There's a rumour we're all going to be released and forced to join the NFL.'

'So, how was your day?'

'We've been married so long we finish each other's prison sentences.'

"I've sent last minute treatments to all the major studios."

I don

'Some gagwriter you turned out to be!'