Post-divorce Life Gifts

"You haven't asked me how the divorce went, Lew."

Marriage least expected to last...

'Two Mr. Wrongs don't make a Mr. Right.'

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"You look quite presentable when you make the effort. Your ex-wife always told me you scrubbed up well."

"Can't you just say 'bippity boppity boo' and make all these messy divorce negotiations turn into pumpkins or something?"

Change your style, learn to smile!

'These anti-depressants aren't for swallowing, sir, they're for throwing at your ex-wife.'

'It'll get better, Vinny - my marriages always have a bad first quarter.'

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."

"I don't believe it. That's my ex-wife."

'I'll relinquish most of my visitation rights if you'll just let Katie come over once in awhile to program my appliances.'

"I see a lot of Don Juan Complexes, but you're the first Don Knotts Complex I've come across."

'I tried to feeding on demand - it led to divorce on demand.'

"How sweet...Our first divorce! I'm so glad we got to share this special moment together."

"Lover’s leap" "Wife toss"

'I feel sorry for you single people. Nobody to go home to fight with.'

'Since they divorced I'm living with my mom, but every other weekend my dad is entitled to take me for a walk.'

'Then, just when I lost twenty pounds and was voted tops in my gym class he ran off with the fatso next door!'

...thirty-nine years young, recent divorcee, lifestyle includes a canine leitmotif....

Lawyer: 'She got the house, he got the money, and somehow, I ended up with the kid.'

"Separate clouds, please."

'Let's table whether I've suffered enough and talk about my upcoming second marriage.'

"It's through our attorneys, but at least we're talking."

"She’s getting the house and cars, but you get to retain all your unique streaming services passwords."

'I've been living out of a tin since my wife left me.'

'My date last night reminded me of my ex-husband - turns out that's who he was!'

'I can't ta;l now, you moron. Your alimony check is in the mail!'

'I'm leaving you. As a couple I feel like we have too many tissues.'

"Please bear with me. I'm only recently back on the singles scene."

"That's cool. My parents never fight over me."

"What accident? I just got divorced!"

'All my friends are divorced, and I'm not even married.'

"I hope you don't mind. I used the same recipe that made me crazy enough to marry my first wife."

"I'm not sure why my marriage ended. I'm still waiting for the forensic report."