Recently Divorced Gifts

"I recently escaped from an arranged marriage."

'I'm serious. If you crave more action, try age-appropriate dating. Sexy women 50 to 75 are an under-served demographic.'

"Please bear with me. I'm only recently back on the singles scene."

"I see a lot of Don Juan Complexes, but you're the first Don Knotts Complex I've come across."

After the divorce Ted drifted aimlessly through a succession of meaningless relationships with completely unsuitable women.

'I tried to feeding on demand - it led to divorce on demand.'

'Let's play house. You can be my ex-husband.'

'I feel sorry for you single people. Nobody to go home to fight with.'

Activities for the newly divorced.

'All my friends are divorced, and I'm not even married.'

"I was an incurable romantic until I met Martha's divorce lawyer."

'It'll get better, Vinny - my marriages always have a bad first quarter.'

"It's been tough dating since my divorce...I never ad any trouble getting women to o out with me when I was still married!"

"You look quite presentable when you make the effort. Your ex-wife always told me you scrubbed up well."

"Hi, I just got divorced, would you like a free tote and mug?"

"It was romantic during dinner, but now it's getting kind of creepy."

Marriage least expected to last...

Couple who have confused their baby's pram and the lawn mower.

"I wish I'd had the eye test before I got married."

'Two Mr. Wrongs don't make a Mr. Right.'

'I haven't done anything. My ex-wife had those posters printed.'

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"The toaster your brother gave us is beginning to get on my nerves."

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

"I told you not to leave without taking out the garbage!"

"You've done an absolutely fabulous job with the house, Anne, and Gordon's so improved!"

"He just married me on the rebound."

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

'This rebate check isn't big enough for both of us.'

'Don't hate me just because I hate you.'

Health and Safety to Ban Marriage

"I don't believe it. That's my ex-wife."

'Your 'ex' seems to be doing well.'

'May I leave early today, Sir? The market is down and my wife is alone...'

The Gayhorns