Friend Who Just Got Divorced Gifts

"I'm not sure why my marriage ended. I'm still waiting for the forensic report."

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

'I haven't done anything. My ex-wife had those posters printed.'

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"It's not good, Jack. She's after the house, the condo, custody, half your retirement $ 12,000 a month and she still wants a pound of flesh."

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

'If cupid shot me with his arrow this week, it would bounce right off!'

"You look quite presentable when you make the effort. Your ex-wife always told me you scrubbed up well."

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

Bartender: 'Rough day, huh?'Man: 'I'll say. My ex-wife just sued the pants off me.'

'It'll get better, Vinny - my marriages always have a bad first quarter.'

'Don't hate me just because I hate you.'

'Your 'ex' seems to be doing well.'

"I don't believe it. That's my ex-wife."

"You can scatter my remains at my ex-wife's apartment."

"We've done volcano and twister. We need another movie about a natural disaster and my first marriage came to mind."

'Hell hath no furry like the lawyer of a woman scorned.'

'I tried to feeding on demand - it led to divorce on demand.'

Staying Single Explained.

"I see a lot of Don Juan Complexes, but you're the first Don Knotts Complex I've come across."

"I see great wealth for your lawyer, ex wife and doctor"

'I'll relinquish most of my visitation rights if you'll just let Katie come over once in awhile to program my appliances.'

"IF you wanted to leave, why didn't you just say so?"

"How sweet...Our first divorce! I'm so glad we got to share this special moment together."

"It's not a rescue, it's the IRS and my ex-wife's lawyer."

'No, it's not number four either, but he does look like my ex-husband. Yeah, let's go with number four.'

"Then again, counselling doesn't always help everyone."

"Please excuse my appearance, but I don't have anywhere to wash and shave since my wife threw me out."

"Nobody ever talks about how when you marry a human at 16, you might divorce by 30 and have to move back to the sea."

...thirty-nine years young, recent divorcee, lifestyle includes a canine leitmotif....

"Lover’s leap" "Wife toss"

"The curse has been set – your ex's shoes will now squeak in the quietest of settings."

'I feel sorry for you single people. Nobody to go home to fight with.'

As part of the divorce settlement, Bob takes over his ex-wife's small business.