Divorced Friend Gifts

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

Rabbit Divorces: 'No you get custody.'

'Why do I get the feeling my divorce is final?' (Motorbike has been cut in half).

"On your left, you'll see the apartment where my ex-wife tore my heart out, stepped on it, and flushed it down the toilet. Also a deli."

"Help! My ex-wife... she shot me! It's just a tranquilizer dart, but it's the principle of the thing."

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"Since the kids moved out and the wife left, my only connection is with Bluetooth."

'You think you've got it tough? Try getting a date when you're divorced with 375 kids!'

'I thought your wife wasn't contesting the divorce.'

"Okay sir.I've fed your personal profile into the computer,and your ideal partner should look something like..."

'I wish you had tried to screw me this much while we were married.'

'I'm serious. If you crave more action, try age-appropriate dating. Sexy women 50 to 75 are an under-served demographic.'

'Your 'ex' seems to be doing well.'

"I keep a hologram of Sean to remind myself why I wanted a divorce."

THE EX-FILES, 'It's about people who have trouble with their former spouses.'

As part of the divorce settlement, Bob takes over his ex-wife's small business.

'I've had a series of unfortunate marriages.'

'Don't hate me just because I hate you.'

'Your Honor, I'd like to change my place in the henpecking order.'

'Are you feeling as angry, helpless, bloated and turned on as I am?'

"You can CHANGE a man but then he divorces you and remarries, leaving all of your hard work for the benefit of the new b***h."

"You can scatter my remains at my ex-wife's apartment."

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

"It was a really tough divorce, she got to hair."

"Text my ex, 'wish you were here'."

"So in the final settlement she got the house, the car, the kids, alimony, all bank accounts and my retirement."

After the divorce Ted drifted aimlessly through a succession of meaningless relationships with completely unsuitable women.

"I don't believe it. That's my ex-wife."

"IF you wanted to leave, why didn't you just say so?"

Froggy went a-divorcin'

"Nobody ever talks about how when you marry a human at 16, you might divorce by 30 and have to move back to the sea."

I got custody, and he got half the nest.

Ha, I showed her in the divorce! Look who got the house an who got nothing!

'Yes, I once swore my love for him - now I just swear at him'

'I tried explaining that there's a crucial difference between being dead and being a deadbeat, but my ex would have none of it!'