Friend In Divorce Gifts

DIVORCE COURT, 'Not only did she get the house and the car, I also have to train my replacement.'

"Their wedding registry has 8 place settings of double wall, stainless steel water bottles."

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

'I haven't done anything. My ex-wife had those posters printed.'

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

'If cupid shot me with his arrow this week, it would bounce right off!'

"It's not good, Jack. She's after the house, the condo, custody, half your retirement $ 12,000 a month and she still wants a pound of flesh."

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

'Hell hath no furry like the lawyer of a woman scorned.'

'Your 'ex' seems to be doing well.'

"I don't believe it. That's my ex-wife."

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

'Don't hate me just because I hate you.'

"We've done volcano and twister. We need another movie about a natural disaster and my first marriage came to mind."

Bartender: 'Rough day, huh?'Man: 'I'll say. My ex-wife just sued the pants off me.'

"You can scatter my remains at my ex-wife's apartment."

Staying Single Explained.

'I'll relinquish most of my visitation rights if you'll just let Katie come over once in awhile to program my appliances.'

"I see great wealth for your lawyer, ex wife and doctor"

"IF you wanted to leave, why didn't you just say so?"

"How sweet...Our first divorce! I'm so glad we got to share this special moment together."

"Nobody ever talks about how when you marry a human at 16, you might divorce by 30 and have to move back to the sea."

"Please excuse my appearance, but I don't have anywhere to wash and shave since my wife threw me out."

"The curse has been set – your ex's shoes will now squeak in the quietest of settings."

"Then again, counselling doesn't always help everyone."

As part of the divorce settlement, Bob takes over his ex-wife's small business.

"It's not a rescue, it's the IRS and my ex-wife's lawyer."

'No, it's not number four either, but he does look like my ex-husband. Yeah, let's go with number four.'

...thirty-nine years young, recent divorcee, lifestyle includes a canine leitmotif....

"Lover’s leap" "Wife toss"

'Don't feel bad - some guys lose everything.'

'I'm sorry Roger, it's not you, it's the way you move, it's just so bizarre.'

Lawyer: 'She got the house, he got the money, and somehow, I ended up with the kid.'