Divorcing Friend Gifts

'Leave everything in our hands, we specialize in his fault divorces.'

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

'I haven't done anything. My ex-wife had those posters printed.'

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

"It's not good, Jack. She's after the house, the condo, custody, half your retirement $ 12,000 a month and she still wants a pound of flesh."

'If cupid shot me with his arrow this week, it would bounce right off!'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

'Don't hate me just because I hate you.'

"I don't believe it. That's my ex-wife."

Bartender: 'Rough day, huh?'Man: 'I'll say. My ex-wife just sued the pants off me.'

"You can scatter my remains at my ex-wife's apartment."

'Hell hath no furry like the lawyer of a woman scorned.'

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

'Your 'ex' seems to be doing well.'

"We've done volcano and twister. We need another movie about a natural disaster and my first marriage came to mind."

The Gayhorns

"IF you wanted to leave, why didn't you just say so?"

'I'll relinquish most of my visitation rights if you'll just let Katie come over once in awhile to program my appliances.'

"I see great wealth for your lawyer, ex wife and doctor"

Staying Single Explained.

"How sweet...Our first divorce! I'm so glad we got to share this special moment together."

"Nobody ever talks about how when you marry a human at 16, you might divorce by 30 and have to move back to the sea."

...thirty-nine years young, recent divorcee, lifestyle includes a canine leitmotif....

"It's not a rescue, it's the IRS and my ex-wife's lawyer."

"The curse has been set – your ex's shoes will now squeak in the quietest of settings."

"I'm leaving and I'm taking your iTunes with me."

"Please excuse my appearance, but I don't have anywhere to wash and shave since my wife threw me out."

"Lover’s leap" "Wife toss"

As part of the divorce settlement, Bob takes over his ex-wife's small business.

"Then again, counselling doesn't always help everyone."

'No, it's not number four either, but he does look like my ex-husband. Yeah, let's go with number four.'

'Don't feel bad - some guys lose everything.'

Lawyer: 'She got the house, he got the money, and somehow, I ended up with the kid.'

'I'm sorry Roger, it's not you, it's the way you move, it's just so bizarre.'