Friend Going Through A Divorce Gifts

'Don't feel bad - some guys lose everything.'

"The only dancing my husband ever did was sidestepping responsibility."

"Then again, counselling doesn't always help everyone."

"He ALWAYS had to have the last word, I was this close to getting him to sign the divorce papers."

Dung Beetle Divorce! Splitting the shits!

"I have no idea what I ever saw in you."

"A quickie divorce, seemed so appropriate."

"Please excuse my appearance, but I don't have anywhere to wash and shave since my wife threw me out."

"I know you're anxious, but the minute I agreed to the divorce, did you have to stand up and holler 'is there an attorney in the house'?"

'Divorce granted with $5475.00 per month alimony -- Enjoy!'

"'Vengeance is ours,' saith Courtland, Mumford & Blaine."

'We got married in a fever, and divorced in convulsions.'

DIVORCE COURT, 'Well, I finally found out what women really want - money.'

'My social network unfriended me, my boss unhired me and my wife unmarried me ... '

"Your divorce lawyer has impeccable credentials Mitzi, but have you met mine? Presenting...Giganticus!"

Bartender: 'Rough day, huh?'Man: 'I'll say. My ex-wife just sued the pants off me.'

"It's not a rescue, it's the IRS and my ex-wife's lawyer."

An Amicable Divorce

'I haven't done anything. My ex-wife had those posters printed.'

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"It's not good, Jack. She's after the house, the condo, custody, half your retirement $ 12,000 a month and she still wants a pound of flesh."

'If cupid shot me with his arrow this week, it would bounce right off!'

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

'Your 'ex' seems to be doing well.'

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

"I don't believe it. That's my ex-wife."

'Hell hath no furry like the lawyer of a woman scorned.'

"You can scatter my remains at my ex-wife's apartment."

"After Harry was gone I started decorating the house as a distraction. It was around the time I was wallpapering the driveway that I thought I should seek grief counseling."

'Don't hate me just because I hate you.'

"We've done volcano and twister. We need another movie about a natural disaster and my first marriage came to mind."

"And do you promise to love, honour, and give me all your personal information that I can pass on to third parties..."

'I'll relinquish most of my visitation rights if you'll just let Katie come over once in awhile to program my appliances.'