Friend Going Through Breakup Gifts

Vases, hearts & organizations

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

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'I haven't done anything. My ex-wife had those posters printed.'

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"It's not good, Jack. She's after the house, the condo, custody, half your retirement $ 12,000 a month and she still wants a pound of flesh."

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

'If cupid shot me with his arrow this week, it would bounce right off!'

"I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm saving eye-contact for that special someone."

"And the person who made all those promises, this man you loved, trusted and ran away with, who subsequently stole your life savings and then abandoned you... is he in the courtroom today?"

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

'Your 'ex' seems to be doing well.'

"After Harry was gone I started decorating the house as a distraction. It was around the time I was wallpapering the driveway that I thought I should seek grief counseling."

"You can scatter my remains at my ex-wife's apartment."

Bartender: 'Rough day, huh?'Man: 'I'll say. My ex-wife just sued the pants off me.'

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

'Don't hate me just because I hate you.'

"We've done volcano and twister. We need another movie about a natural disaster and my first marriage came to mind."

"I don't believe it. That's my ex-wife."

"In this YouTube tutorial, I'm going to show you how to be alone with yourself."

'Hell hath no furry like the lawyer of a woman scorned.'

Staying Single Explained.

"I see great wealth for your lawyer, ex wife and doctor"

'Right now I'm on a 'man diet'. No more boyfriends until I lose twenty pounds.'

'I'll relinquish most of my visitation rights if you'll just let Katie come over once in awhile to program my appliances.'

"IF you wanted to leave, why didn't you just say so?"

"Please excuse my appearance, but I don't have anywhere to wash and shave since my wife threw me out."

'No, it's not number four either, but he does look like my ex-husband. Yeah, let's go with number four.'

"It's not a rescue, it's the IRS and my ex-wife's lawyer."

"Then again, counselling doesn't always help everyone."

"Nobody ever talks about how when you marry a human at 16, you might divorce by 30 and have to move back to the sea."

"The curse has been set – your ex's shoes will now squeak in the quietest of settings."