Friend Who Just Broke Up Gifts

'If cupid shot me with his arrow this week, it would bounce right off!'

'I haven't done anything. My ex-wife had those posters printed.'

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"Of all my husbands I believe the first one tasted the best."

"It's not good, Jack. She's after the house, the condo, custody, half your retirement $ 12,000 a month and she still wants a pound of flesh."

"Don't make eye contact. Don't make eye contact. Don't...."

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

'Are you ready to get hurt again?'

"At this point, I think a rich lightweight would be fine."

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

'Don't hate me just because I hate you.'

'Hell hath no furry like the lawyer of a woman scorned.'

"I don't believe it. That's my ex-wife."

"You can scatter my remains at my ex-wife's apartment."

"I need a man who will commit."

Months after she broke with the celery, Alice was still being stalked.

Bob tries to win her back with flowers.

"We've done volcano and twister. We need another movie about a natural disaster and my first marriage came to mind."

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

Bartender: 'Rough day, huh?'Man: 'I'll say. My ex-wife just sued the pants off me.'

'Your 'ex' seems to be doing well.'

Dan, Carla's interests include brooding over failed relationships and fending off her mother's pleas for grandchildren. Carla, Dan is terrified of commitment and has a negative bank balance."

"IF you wanted to leave, why didn't you just say so?"

Staying Single Explained.

'I'll relinquish most of my visitation rights if you'll just let Katie come over once in awhile to program my appliances.'

"I see great wealth for your lawyer, ex wife and doctor"

Men in women's 101

'He has delusions of grandeur. He thinks I'm in love with him.'

"Have you got anyone on your books who's desperate and doesn't care what I look like?"

"The curse has been set – your ex's shoes will now squeak in the quietest of settings."

"I'm leaving and I'm taking your iTunes with me."

'No, it's not number four either, but he does look like my ex-husband. Yeah, let's go with number four.'

'Have you considered your x-height?'

'Listen to this one: 'Overweight, wrinkled skin, large ears and nose'... She sounds perfect!'