Friend Going Through Break-up Gifts

'Another potential girlfriend bites the dust...at least she's waving goodbye...I thought you were supposed to use all your fingers when waving.'

'I haven't done anything. My ex-wife had those posters printed.'

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"It's not good, Jack. She's after the house, the condo, custody, half your retirement $ 12,000 a month and she still wants a pound of flesh."

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

"I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm saving eye-contact for that special someone."

'If cupid shot me with his arrow this week, it would bounce right off!'

"And the person who made all those promises, this man you loved, trusted and ran away with, who subsequently stole your life savings and then abandoned you... is he in the courtroom today?"

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

Bartender: 'Rough day, huh?'Man: 'I'll say. My ex-wife just sued the pants off me.'

"We've done volcano and twister. We need another movie about a natural disaster and my first marriage came to mind."

"You can scatter my remains at my ex-wife's apartment."

'Hell hath no furry like the lawyer of a woman scorned.'

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

"After Harry was gone I started decorating the house as a distraction. It was around the time I was wallpapering the driveway that I thought I should seek grief counseling."

"I don't believe it. That's my ex-wife."

'Don't hate me just because I hate you.'

'Your 'ex' seems to be doing well.'

"IF you wanted to leave, why didn't you just say so?"

'I'll relinquish most of my visitation rights if you'll just let Katie come over once in awhile to program my appliances.'

Staying Single Explained.

"I see great wealth for your lawyer, ex wife and doctor"

"Nobody ever talks about how when you marry a human at 16, you might divorce by 30 and have to move back to the sea."

"The curse has been set – your ex's shoes will now squeak in the quietest of settings."

'No, it's not number four either, but he does look like my ex-husband. Yeah, let's go with number four.'

"Please excuse my appearance, but I don't have anywhere to wash and shave since my wife threw me out."

"I'm leaving and I'm taking your iTunes with me."

"Then again, counselling doesn't always help everyone."

As part of the divorce settlement, Bob takes over his ex-wife's small business.

"It's not a rescue, it's the IRS and my ex-wife's lawyer."

'Don't feel bad - some guys lose everything.'

'I'm sorry Roger, it's not you, it's the way you move, it's just so bizarre.'

"Perhaps it was thoughtless of me, perhaps not. I haven't given it much thought."

'I've been living out of a tin since my wife left me.'