Friends Experiencing Breakup Gifts

'I'm leaving you. As a couple I feel like we have too many tissues.'

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

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'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"At this point, I think a rich lightweight would be fine."

"Of all my husbands I believe the first one tasted the best."

"And the person who made all those promises, this man you loved, trusted and ran away with, who subsequently stole your life savings and then abandoned you... is he in the courtroom today?"

"It's not good, Jack. She's after the house, the condo, custody, half your retirement $ 12,000 a month and she still wants a pound of flesh."

"Don't make eye contact. Don't make eye contact. Don't...."

'If cupid shot me with his arrow this week, it would bounce right off!'

'Are you ready to get hurt again?'

"I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm saving eye-contact for that special someone."

'Hell hath no furry like the lawyer of a woman scorned.'

"In this YouTube tutorial, I'm going to show you how to be alone with yourself."

"I need a man who will commit."

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

Months after she broke with the celery, Alice was still being stalked.

Bob tries to win her back with flowers.

"I think we should each try other beers."

Bartender: 'Rough day, huh?'Man: 'I'll say. My ex-wife just sued the pants off me.'

Cashflow - The milkman is here.

Dan, Carla's interests include brooding over failed relationships and fending off her mother's pleas for grandchildren. Carla, Dan is terrified of commitment and has a negative bank balance."

"I see great wealth for your lawyer, ex wife and doctor"

'Right now I'm on a 'man diet'. No more boyfriends until I lose twenty pounds.'

"I need a hug."

Men in women's 101

'He has delusions of grandeur. He thinks I'm in love with him.'

"How sweet...Our first divorce! I'm so glad we got to share this special moment together."

'Have you considered your x-height?'

"Have you got anyone on your books who's desperate and doesn't care what I look like?"

'Listen to this one: 'Overweight, wrinkled skin, large ears and nose'... She sounds perfect!'

"I'm a dish, not a bowl. This was never going to work."

"Please excuse my appearance, but I don't have anywhere to wash and shave since my wife threw me out."

"The curse has been set – your ex's shoes will now squeak in the quietest of settings."

Carol sensed some negative vibes from her date when he pulled out a laptop and began perusing other women's profiles.