Post-divorce Gifts

"She took the house, the money, the Mercedes, and the Rottweiler. Then she took a hammer and busted the still."

'Two Mr. Wrongs don't make a Mr. Right.'

Marriage least expected to last...

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"You look quite presentable when you make the effort. Your ex-wife always told me you scrubbed up well."

"Can't you just say 'bippity boppity boo' and make all these messy divorce negotiations turn into pumpkins or something?"

Change your style, learn to smile!

'These anti-depressants aren't for swallowing, sir, they're for throwing at your ex-wife.'

'It'll get better, Vinny - my marriages always have a bad first quarter.'

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."

"I don't believe it. That's my ex-wife."

"It was very amicable—I gave her everything."

'I tried to feeding on demand - it led to divorce on demand.'

"I see a lot of Don Juan Complexes, but you're the first Don Knotts Complex I've come across."

'I'll relinquish most of my visitation rights if you'll just let Katie come over once in awhile to program my appliances.'

...thirty-nine years young, recent divorcee, lifestyle includes a canine leitmotif....

'Since they divorced I'm living with my mom, but every other weekend my dad is entitled to take me for a walk.'

'I feel sorry for you single people. Nobody to go home to fight with.'

'Then, just when I lost twenty pounds and was voted tops in my gym class he ran off with the fatso next door!'

Lawyer: 'She got the house, he got the money, and somehow, I ended up with the kid.'

'My date last night reminded me of my ex-husband - turns out that's who he was!'

"Separate clouds, please."

"She’s getting the house and cars, but you get to retain all your unique streaming services passwords."

"It's through our attorneys, but at least we're talking."

'Let's table whether I've suffered enough and talk about my upcoming second marriage.'

"I found myself in a strange place after my divorce - I think it was the kitchen."

'I've been living out of a tin since my wife left me.'

'I can't ta;l now, you moron. Your alimony check is in the mail!'

"I hope you don't mind. I used the same recipe that made me crazy enough to marry my first wife."

'Computer dating? I want my money back. You fixed me up with my first wife.'

"I'm not sure why my marriage ended. I'm still waiting for the forensic report."

'All my friends are divorced, and I'm not even married.'

"Please bear with me. I'm only recently back on the singles scene."

"What accident? I just got divorced!"

'I'm leaving you. As a couple I feel like we have too many tissues.'