Post-divorce Adjustment Gifts

'I'm tired of wading around in the shallow end of the gene pool.'

Marriage least expected to last...

'Two Mr. Wrongs don't make a Mr. Right.'

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

"You look quite presentable when you make the effort. Your ex-wife always told me you scrubbed up well."

The Gayhorns

Bartender: 'Rough day, huh?'Man: 'I'll say. My ex-wife just sued the pants off me.'

Change your style, learn to smile!

'These anti-depressants aren't for swallowing, sir, they're for throwing at your ex-wife.'

"Can't you just say 'bippity boppity boo' and make all these messy divorce negotiations turn into pumpkins or something?"

'It'll get better, Vinny - my marriages always have a bad first quarter.'

"I don't believe it. That's my ex-wife."

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."

'Hopefully these sessions will help you to adjust to flying economy.'

'I'll relinquish most of my visitation rights if you'll just let Katie come over once in awhile to program my appliances.'

After Mr and Mrs Tooth and Nail you've got the Hammer and Tongs.

'I tried to feeding on demand - it led to divorce on demand.'

"I see a lot of Don Juan Complexes, but you're the first Don Knotts Complex I've come across."

"It was very amicable—I gave her everything."

'This next song is for my ex-wife, because she owns it and collects all the royalties.'

"Let's remain open to closing as we are close to the opening."

'I feel sorry for you single people. Nobody to go home to fight with.'

'Since they divorced I'm living with my mom, but every other weekend my dad is entitled to take me for a walk.'

...thirty-nine years young, recent divorcee, lifestyle includes a canine leitmotif....

Solicitor tells divorcing couple: 'You must see that 'I'll have the bricks and she can have the mortar' is not very helpful,'

Lawyer: 'She got the house, he got the money, and somehow, I ended up with the kid.'

"When I got divorced, I went through all the stages of grieving - sadness, anger, denial and punching the air with delight when the settlement cheque came through!"

"It's through our attorneys, but at least we're talking."

'Let's table whether I've suffered enough and talk about my upcoming second marriage.'

"She’s getting the house and cars, but you get to retain all your unique streaming services passwords."

'I've been living out of a tin since my wife left me.'

"I found myself in a strange place after my divorce - I think it was the kitchen."

'I'm having a hard-time unwinding during the prenup process.'

"I want to be put on lifestyle support."