Divorcee Survivor Gifts

"Can't you just say 'bippity boppity boo' and make all these messy divorce negotiations turn into pumpkins or something?"

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"...until death do you a favor."

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

Marriage least expected to last...

'Two Mr. Wrongs don't make a Mr. Right.'

"Well, we can try. But to be honest, I doubt that you'll get custody of your husband's credit cards."

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"So halfway through the divorce proceedings, I find out Henry is a warlock."

"It's over between us, Kevin, I've met a most wonderful cod!"

"You look quite presentable when you make the effort. Your ex-wife always told me you scrubbed up well."

Ereptile Dysfunction

"Being married to her was the most miserable experience of my life, but I was able to develop a sitcom out of it."

'These anti-depressants aren't for swallowing, sir, they're for throwing at your ex-wife.'

Your Dinner Is In The Trout Stream

"Of course, your case against him would be a lot stronger if you had made him sign a pre-peccadillo agreement."

'It'll get better, Vinny - my marriages always have a bad first quarter.'

The Gayhorns

'When I said we should see other people, I didn't mean starting tonight.'

Change your style, learn to smile!

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."

"I've been getting the most intense workouts since I taped a picture of my ex on the heavy bag!"

'What are you doing trying to tempt me?? I told you I was through with you!!'

'Don't look now but it's that guy from Pennsylvania that you dumped,'

"If you ask me, we're better off without her."

"Recently separated."

'My advice? Dump him! There are plenty more fish in the sea...'

'I tried to feeding on demand - it led to divorce on demand.'

"I see a lot of Don Juan Complexes, but you're the first Don Knotts Complex I've come across."

"Poor guy..he just got a 'Dear John' fax!"

'I'm sorry Sandy, but it'll never work out. We're just Poles apart.'

"You've come to the right lawyer. I not only do divorces, I also specialise in bankruptcy proceedings."

"Allow me to introduce my wife - she's been giving me the silent treatment since 1982."

"Of course we'll still be friends...."