Divorce Survivor Gifts

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

'He used to be my heart-throb, now he just gives me palpitations'

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."

'You took everything from me in the divorce. Well, you're not going to take my shower!'

Dog on a sidewalk. 'My name is Sophie. I've got papers and loads od obedience ribbons. But my people got a divorce and I ended up in a shelter. Lucky for me my new family signed a pre-nup.'

'So, your ex slapped a restraining order on you.'

'Since they divorced I'm living with my mom, but every other weekend my dad is entitled to take me for a walk.'

'These anti-depressants aren't for swallowing, sir, they're for throwing at your ex-wife.'

"What accident? I just got divorced!"

"Oh yeh it was quite an amicable divorce, well I'm enjoying it anyway."

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

"...until death do you a favor."

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"Oh no! You, again?"

Ereptile Dysfunction

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

"It's over between us, Kevin, I've met a most wonderful cod!"

'How many kids do you actually have?'

'I see. So what you're saying is that you woke up this morning and your woman had done left you.'

"Being married to her was the most miserable experience of my life, but I was able to develop a sitcom out of it."

"I'm letting him soak."

"...ummm, remember that guy from Pennsylvania that you dumped?"

Mr. Chester's diplomacy

Your Dinner Is In The Trout Stream

'When I said we should see other people, I didn't mean starting tonight.'

"Can't you just say 'bippity boppity boo' and make all these messy divorce negotiations turn into pumpkins or something?"

Change your style, learn to smile!

'What are you doing trying to tempt me?? I told you I was through with you!!'

"I've been getting the most intense workouts since I taped a picture of my ex on the heavy bag!"

"Go, take the afternoon off, I'll babysit: he'll be safe with me..."

"Sometimes I feel the only thing keeping us together is our fear of the children."

'Don't look now but it's that guy from Pennsylvania that you dumped,'

"The babysitter wants to know where you keep your vodka?"

"Recently separated."

"They don't call it 'The Boulevard of Broken Dreams' for nothing, kid."