Breakup Survivors Gifts

"Of course we'll still be friends...."

Speed Dating for Turtles

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

"...until death do you a favor."

"Have you tried barking at the moon?"

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"Can you recommend a wine that would compliment a divorce?"

"I always spend New Year's surrounded by loved ones."

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"I got over DDT, and I'll get over you!"

"Don't wait too long for Mr. Right or you'll end up with Mr. What's left!"

A man sews broken hearts back together.

"It's over between us, Kevin, I've met a most wonderful cod!"

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

Ereptile Dysfunction

"Oh no! You, again?"

'I see. So what you're saying is that you woke up this morning and your woman had done left you.'

"Being married to her was the most miserable experience of my life, but I was able to develop a sitcom out of it."

'What are you doing trying to tempt me?? I told you I was through with you!!'

"Can't you just say 'bippity boppity boo' and make all these messy divorce negotiations turn into pumpkins or something?"

"Honestly, I'm not sure I even know who every one of you are anymore."

'Well, if you really want to know...you will meet a short, pale and ugly man...'

Mr. Chester's diplomacy

"I've been getting the most intense workouts since I taped a picture of my ex on the heavy bag!"

A woman buries her broken heart

"...ummm, remember that guy from Pennsylvania that you dumped?"

'These anti-depressants aren't for swallowing, sir, they're for throwing at your ex-wife.'

Your Dinner Is In The Trout Stream

"Nothing - he's ghosting you."

'When I said we should see other people, I didn't mean starting tonight.'

"I'm not sure I'm ready to date again. I'm just coming off a bad mitosis."

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."

"I'm sorry your girlfriend left you, Frank...but you must concentrate on the job!"

'Don't look now but it's that guy from Pennsylvania that you dumped,'