Marriage Survivor Gifts

"Being married to her was the most miserable experience of my life, but I was able to develop a sitcom out of it."

For Emergency Use Only

"Frankly, Dolores, I'm tired of being your piñata."

"...until death do you a favor."

'It looks like our marriage has survived for yet another year, Dear!'

'Trust me - you're funnier without me'

'You're wasting your time, pal -- I'm a married man.'

'In other sports, Jimmy Sheinblum once again won the world' strongest man competition after staying married to his wife Zelda for yet another year.'

'To make a marriage work these days, you really need a stunt double.'

If wisecracks drew blood...

'I helped put her through law school, and now she's suing me for divorce!'

"Allow me to introduce my wife - she's been giving me the silent treatment since 1982."

"I know you must be in a lot of pain, but let's be totally fair. This is your night to do the dishes!"

Your Dinner Is In The Trout Stream

"I'm still happy in my marriage, but that may be because Frank went to work one day in 1999 and never returned."

"My car is starting to take after my husband-- It's making a lot of strange sounds and strange smells."

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

"OK, now what?"

"I have been happily married... three times!"

Couple beyond prayer - need divine intervention.

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"If we synchronize our tantrums, they'll have to stop talking. You in?"

Holiday-Cancelling Headphones

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"I got over DDT, and I'll get over you!"

"It's over between us, Kevin, I've met a most wonderful cod!"

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

Ereptile Dysfunction

'How long have you two been married?'

"Well, well – if it isn't the old crystal ball and chain."

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."

"Nothing - he's ghosting you."

'When I said we should see other people, I didn't mean starting tonight.'

'These anti-depressants aren't for swallowing, sir, they're for throwing at your ex-wife.'