Relationship Survivor Gifts

"I got over DDT, and I'll get over you!"

"When he decided to take an early retirement, I took an early divorce."

'Thought he was God's gift to women. Fortunately, I was able to re-gift him.'

Divorcees Club - The Joy of Ex.

'Frankly, my dear, you can keep the dam.'

'As we parted, my hubby said that he couldn't live without me. . . I asked him to do the honourable deed.'

"Typical! Just because you can't have your own way"

'I'm advising you to have it removed and stay away from your ex-wife.'

Revenge Pawn Shop: "They specialise in engagement rings."

"The neck cone bothers you? But you knew I was obsessive before we dated."

"Hey, isn't that your "ex" over the road?"

"Nothing - he's ghosting you."

"I'd invite you in, but I'm still cleaning up a few remnants from my previous relationship."

"My ex weighs at least 5 lbs and is 23 inches. He usually hangs around the old dock, and prefers worms. Remember, you didn't hear it from me..."

"...until death do you a favor."

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

Holiday-Cancelling Headphones

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

Generation Ex.

"It's over between us, Kevin, I've met a most wonderful cod!"

It's not always a good idea for two contrarians like you to be together. You hear that, you old battle-axe? Yeah, I hear that, you old coot. That'll be $150.

Ereptile Dysfunction

"Oh no! You, again?"

'I wish we'd never invented talking — nagging was so much easier to take in sign language.'

Mixed Marriage: Downhill Racer.

'I see. So what you're saying is that you woke up this morning and your woman had done left you.'

"Being married to her was the most miserable experience of my life, but I was able to develop a sitcom out of it."

"Zoom says we have connectivity issues..."

'What are you doing trying to tempt me?? I told you I was through with you!!'

"Yeah, well it hurts when you stab me with your words."

Mr. Chester's diplomacy

'I have rather a full schedule today. Could you summarize your grievances of the past 48 years?'

"I've been getting the most intense workouts since I taped a picture of my ex on the heavy bag!"