Marital Survivor Gifts

'Excellent presentation Henderson, but I'd appreciate it if you'd leave your personal problems at home.' (Graph shows 'My marriage').

'The divorce was ugly, but not as ugly as the marriage.'

"Now that we are back on speaking terms, shut up!"

"The kid next door is doing a school project on heighborhood success stories and wanted to talk to you. I laughed so hard I wet my pants."

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

"...until death do you a favor."

Couple beyond prayer - need divine intervention.

"I have been happily married... three times!"

Holiday-Cancelling Headphones

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"I got over DDT, and I'll get over you!"

Generation Ex.

Ereptile Dysfunction

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"It's over between us, Kevin, I've met a most wonderful cod!"

'How long have you two been married?'

'I wish we'd never invented talking — nagging was so much easier to take in sign language.'

"Being married to her was the most miserable experience of my life, but I was able to develop a sitcom out of it."

'You know your mother Dave, she's always on my back about something.'

Your Dinner Is In The Trout Stream

'When I said we should see other people, I didn't mean starting tonight.'

'What are you doing trying to tempt me?? I told you I was through with you!!'

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."

'These anti-depressants aren't for swallowing, sir, they're for throwing at your ex-wife.'

"I've been getting the most intense workouts since I taped a picture of my ex on the heavy bag!"

"Nothing - he's ghosting you."

"Well, well – if it isn't the old crystal ball and chain."

"Can't you just say 'bippity boppity boo' and make all these messy divorce negotiations turn into pumpkins or something?"

'Noise? When you've been married as long as I have, it goes in one ear and out the other.'

"I call him auction man - his hair is going, his teeth are going, his sex drive has gone."

"I figured, better the devil you know."

'Don't look now but it's that guy from Pennsylvania that you dumped,'

Tunnel of love