Marital Survivor Gifts

'Excellent presentation Henderson, but I'd appreciate it if you'd leave your personal problems at home.' (Graph shows 'My marriage').

'The divorce was ugly, but not as ugly as the marriage.'

"Now that we are back on speaking terms, shut up!"

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

"...until death do you a favor."

Couple beyond prayer - need divine intervention.

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"I have been happily married... three times!"

Holiday-Cancelling Headphones

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"I got over DDT, and I'll get over you!"

Ereptile Dysfunction

'How long have you two been married?'

"It's over between us, Kevin, I've met a most wonderful cod!"

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

Generation Ex.

'I wish we'd never invented talking — nagging was so much easier to take in sign language.'

"Being married to her was the most miserable experience of my life, but I was able to develop a sitcom out of it."

'You know your mother Dave, she's always on my back about something.'

Your Dinner Is In The Trout Stream

'What are you doing trying to tempt me?? I told you I was through with you!!'

"Well, well – if it isn't the old crystal ball and chain."

'When I said we should see other people, I didn't mean starting tonight.'

"I've been getting the most intense workouts since I taped a picture of my ex on the heavy bag!"

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."

'These anti-depressants aren't for swallowing, sir, they're for throwing at your ex-wife.'

"Can't you just say 'bippity boppity boo' and make all these messy divorce negotiations turn into pumpkins or something?"

'Don't look now but it's that guy from Pennsylvania that you dumped,'

"I figured, better the devil you know."

"I call him auction man - his hair is going, his teeth are going, his sex drive has gone."

'Noise? When you've been married as long as I have, it goes in one ear and out the other.'

"Every time there was a rift in our relationship, we got a cat."

"If you ask me, we're better off without her."

'My advice? Dump him! There are plenty more fish in the sea...'